Mommy’s Becoming an Attorney

Before our president dipped his toe into the political world, he had been involved in many other business endeavors: Trump Wine, Trump Steaks, Trump Water, Trump Airlines, Trump University—many of which he does not own. He just slapped his name on the labels. Then there are the casinos, buildings, and reality game shows. We all know about how some of them succeeded while many of them failed bigley.

I am currently enrolled at the Trump Law School, where I am being educated in more legal terminology than I could have ever dreamed possible in less than two years. Here is a small sampling of what I have learned:


Documents whose words have been hidden from view by a Sharpie pen.

An example was when one of you sent a note to one of your teachers and then worried that she was mad at you. Perhaps your name should have been redacted.

Why did you punish me and the other 2 for being good? It’s not fair! All my teachers do it, and I am tired of it. Why should I be good if I’m going to be punished anyway?

(That’s like saying “Why should our country practice conservation if other countries will not, which is a line I heard in my congressman’s office.)

Aiding & Abetting     (I use this term because I have learned from the Rudy Giuliani School of Law that collusion is not a legal term, and if it is, it is not illegal.)

Assisting someone in the commission of a crime—involving a plan to commit a crime in which the consequences are illegal.

An example is when someone broke the Cocky ornament, and Bryce suggested to Lily that they hide it from Daddy rather than confess.


A serious crime, usually punishable by at least one year in prison.

In our family we were lucky. None of us ever committed a felony. Grandma’s biggest punishment was usually a promise to be sent to bed immediately after supper—the next day of course so that we could have time to think about our crime and resulting sentence.


The formal charge issued by a grand jury demonstrating that there is sufficient evidence that a crime was committed to justify a trial.

(Burn this into your heads because you will be hearing this word a lot in the coming weeks and months.) In a family, which is not a democracy, when you are indicted, expect sanctions to be handed down because the trial consists only of Mom and Dad.

Plea Bargain

Negotiated agreement between a criminal and the prosecutor whereby the defendant agrees to plead guilty in return for reduction in the punishment and possible dismissal of some charges.

Example: I used to punish you by sending each of you to your rooms and making the criminal write a letter of apology rather than revoke a privlege if the crime was a misdemeanor.                               

I found a letter written after someone was caught purgering* themself.

I hereby resolve to be nice and live up to everyone’s expectations because I obviously don’t at  this very moment of which I do hereby speak of now. Be honest now and forever, forever, and ever, ever here an now.


The act of lying or stating falsely under oath.


A penalty or other type of enforcement used to bring about compliance with the law or with rules and regulations.

“No tv for a week.”

I had not planned to go to law school at this point in my life, but then again, I never expected a second-rate reality tv personality to become president.