AARP Baby Dilemma

It’s a good thing I didn’t decide to have another baby once I became an empty nester. The technology is there, but I personally think that anyone who routinely gets mail from AARP should not see the inside of the delivery room except as an observer.

There are many problems to becoming a parent again after raising children all born in the mid to late eighties. I am not just talking about the obvious physical problems. As I see it, one of the biggest problems is that of confusion. Parenting methods and medical instructions by pediatricians have changed.

Take feeding. When I was born, my first solid food was barley, which was given to me four days shy of my first month on Planet Earth. I know this for a fact because I have my baby book. When the three of you were born, the age for beginning solid foods was moved back to three months. Now it is somewhere between four and six months. Which is correct?

So many kids are allergic to peanut butter nowadays. Are babies born today somehow different than in my day? I think not. Today, many doctors recommend waiting until at least one year for this delectable treat, but I am confident that Grandma was giving me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches before I could walk. Bryce’s doctor in Charleston recommended waiting the full year, but now his Columbia doctor follows the “new” (also known as the vintage belief practiced when I was a baby) to begin allergy-potential foods earlier.

When you were babies, I put you to sleep on your stomach. Now someone decided they must be flipped over, and I even heard there was an interim period when the suggestion was  to position them on their sides. How did you survive to adulthood unharmed? Even more miraculous, how did my five siblings and I not suffocate in our beds or worse yet,  choke to death?

Holy crap! What would I do if I was a new mother in the twenty-first century? I would probably follow what I did for you and now kill my AARP baby. How did I not kill you? That’s it! I have made a decision. I am done having babies! May I suggest that you keep all of this in mind when you ask me for advice on raising children.

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